


How Will You Fix Me?

by orphan_account



Category: Bandom, Marianas Trench
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, No Romance, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-21
Updated: 2014-05-21
Packaged: 2018-01-26 01:30:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1669718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Matt finds out one of Josh's biggest, and scariest secrets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Will You Fix Me?

**Author's Note:**

> This has some self harm in it, not very graphic, but if that bothers you, please be cautious. I don't want anyone to feel triggered while reading this <3

Release. It was just another type of release. Some people use alcohol or drugs for release, some smoke, some do completely different things, but Josh's form of release was dragging a jagged razor blade across his wrists and various other places. Watching the blood leak from the torn flesh, and feeling the warmth of the liquid roll down his skin, was tremendously relieving for Josh. And he couldn't quite place why it felt so oddly good to mutilate himself and end up having permanent scars littering his body, but it just did. 

Hiding something like this definitely had it's many complications, especially when Josh was the lead vocalist of a band, and that band happened to be on tour right at this very moment, and being on tour meant being crammed up in a bus for almost the whole day, except for when they were playing for the concerts, which was also exhausting when you had blinding stage lights glaring at every inch of exposed skin that wasn't covered by makeup that Josh had been using to conceal the cuts. And being on tour also meant four guys sharing one bathroom, unless they of course stopped at a hotel for the night, but one of them could easily spot Josh's hidden stash of razors underneath the sink, and all the effort and time he'd taken to hide everything, would be worthless.

He's tried countless times to try and refrain from doing this to himself, but it becomes an addiction once you start, you crave the feeling of fresh new cuts being carved into the body, to feel the warm trickle of the blood draining from the wound, and to be able to admire the scars once the incisions heal, just so he could repeat it all over again.

"Guys, I think we should crash at a hotel tonight." Ian, their drummer suggested from across the room, twirling a drum stick between his fingers. 

The idea sounded rather good to all of them, hell even the driver was beat. They settled on stopping at a Holiday Inn just outside of Denver, quickly deciding who would room with who, Josh with Matt, and Mike with Ian. Josh always stuck with Matt whenever they stopped anywhere, Matt had been his best friend ever since high school, so of course he would feel the most comfortable around him, and it worked basically the same way with Mike and Ian. 

Josh hadn't really been paying close attention to what they were doing, he was too busy thinking about the scabs on his wrist that were itching so badly it nearly drove him insane, so it kind of seemed off when his next location was in the middle of a decent sized room with two queen sized beds, and a flat screened TV hanging from the wall. 

"I swear, touring can be so fucking exhausting sometimes." Matt sighed, plunking himself down face-first onto the crinkle free white comforter covering the bed, which creaked slightly when Matt's weight was resting on it.

The room was practically spotless, everything just looked so organized, and like it all had a specific place where it was supposed to be. That seemed to be the only thing Josh could fully focus on, everything in the room just seemed so...perfect. Everything was still untouched, clean, and crystal clear, it kind of reminded him of how his body looked before he took a blade to it. 

"You okay, dude? You've been awfully quiet these days." Matt questioned, curiosity and concern followed each word of the sentence. 

 _I'm pretty fucking far from 'okay'._ Josh thought, but answered with the same exact answer he'd been giving everybody who asked, a simple 'fine' or 'just tired'. 

"Josh, don't give me that bullshit, you and I both know that that's not the truth. I've known you since you were sixteen, and I can tell when something's bothering you, plus, you've been telling me the same thing for days now. Just talk to me man." Matt said softly, but still stern. 

"I don't want to talk about it, Matt." Josh whispered, staring down at the carpeted floor beneath his feet, carefully studying the light shade of brown.

And then he looked back at his wrists, and was horrified to see that the makeup he'd applied over the slices earlier that morning, had mostly, if not completely faded and could see the red puffy cuts with no problem. He mentally panicked, Matt could probably see them by now, but with Josh's luck, he already did.

"Josh...what's that on your wrist?" Matt asked, hurriedly standing up from the squeaking mattress, and walking over to his motionless friend. Matt gently grabbed ahold of the back of Josh's arm, and pulled it back, revealing his tattered, scarred, porcelain-like skin. A choked sob escaped from the back of Matt's throat when he took in all of the unique tears covering nearly Josh's entire arm. 

Why would Josh do this to himself? He always seemed so happy, and laid back whenever Matt was around him, never the type of person who could possibly be so depressed, so broken deep down inside, to ever do this to themselves.

"Why?" Matt's voice cracked, giving Josh the indication that he was crying.

"I can't stop Matt, it's an addiction." Josh replied emotionlessly, admitting it had felt so natural to him now, he'd had to in the past to a few different people, there was his girlfriend Amanda, his parents, a couple of friends back when he was a teenager. So it wasn't exactly a hard thing for him to do anymore.

"Josh..." Matt trailed off, not having the proper words to complete that sentence. 

"Please, don't do this to yourself anymore, please Josh." Matt sounded desperate, and Josh couldn't figure out why Matt cared so much, he wasn't worth someone like Matt's care or affection.

"I can't Matt! God I want to, I really fucking want to, but shit, I-I can't." Josh choked out, slowly slipping his wrist out of Matt's grip, and placing it in his own.

"Josh, why though? Why did you ever even start doing this?" Matt pleaded, placing his hands on Josh's lower arms and turning him so he had to look Matt in the eye.

"I needed to get everything out, stress, depression, everything. And this was, this was the only way that works." Josh explained, never allowing his eyes to leave Matt's.

Josh expected Matt to yell at him and tell him how stupid of a reason that was to take a blade to your wrist, but he didn't, he just shook his head slightly and sighed.

"Will you at least try to let me help you?" Matt asked, and Josh chuckled.

"If you think you can, go for it." Josh said, but smiled sincerely when he saw the care in his best friend's eyes.

Maybe, just maybe, it could get better.

It had to.


End file.
